coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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