then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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