Duck Duck Cougar?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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