Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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