Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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