I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
