My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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