It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
