I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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