I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
