We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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