I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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