alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
