Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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