Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
