Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
honey bunches of taint.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
