Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
