just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
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