I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
