Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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