Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
