Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
