Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
