things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
