The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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