It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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