Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
