I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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