Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
