my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize