im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
