I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
