He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
