Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
