there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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