I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
