I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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