She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
