Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
even my farts smell like vagina
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
