I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
