your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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