My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
