i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
