I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We need to get me chipped asap
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
