Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
