Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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