if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
