i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
