I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
