I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and she was petting her beer can
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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