I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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