you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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