Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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