I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize