so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
