I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
