she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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