alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize