I just made out with a guy for $7.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
