he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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