i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
