i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
