wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
