i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
