i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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