Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
