I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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